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There may be something to this whole "mother" thing.

Tuesday, Jul. 26, 2011 @ 2:35 pm

I thought the emphasis on an ED-patient's relationship to her mother was a bit over-the-top, but now I'm not so sure.

Sometime ago, I confessed to my mom that I had an eating disorder. She listened and sympathized with me, since she also has suffered from an ED for most of her life. She said she wanted to help me, asked me what she could do. She seemed so sincere.

I really should've known better.

Earlier this week, I'm feeling better about myself and decided to let myself eat a little more. I'm sitting in front of the TV with a bowl of lite chips, and my mom walks in and says, "Oh, you're eating," in a semi-disappointed tone. I immediately felt intense shame and guilt for daring to eat and enjoy food, as well as intensely angry and betrayed by my mom. Her comment was extremely triggering. Since then, I've been binge-eating -- partly out of passive-aggressive rebellion, partly because I don't want to feel anything. It's ridiculous, but I can't stop because I can't tell her how I feel. I can't stand up to her because I'm terrified of her. Even now, I'm still just a little girl who's intimidated by her mom.

My mom's a control freak, and she's always butting into my life. It makes me feel scrutinzed all the time, like I can't relax, can't take a break, can't breathe. I'm tired of living under her thumb. But I can't leave either. I'm not employed yet, and R's salary can't support the both of us. I'm grateful to my parents for letting R and me live with them, and I want to please them, but I want to be a person, separate from them. My mom says I need to be more independent, yet every time I do something to assert my independence, to try to heal myself and become a real person, she's there with criticism. And if I try to confront her, she starts fighting with me, and she's frightening when she's angry.

It's our dynamic, and it hasn't changed in 20 years. I shouldn't have expected anything different, anything better from her.

.... ....